Funny Car Jokes

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Story Car Jokes

A lady was very unhappy with her car...
[With thanks to Maria Leekblade]
and complained a lot to her husband. "Buy me a surprise for my birthday", she said; "something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds, and I would prefer a blue one!"
Happy and excited she was counting down the days until her birthday. Finally she got the beautiful present that her husband thoughtfully bought...

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A man is enjoying a drive along an amazing, bendy, country road...

when a woman dressed in tweed driving an old muddy 4x4 comes hurtling round a corner.
He moves over to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams "PIG!"
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, "STUCK-UP BITCH!"
As he rounds the bend he crashes into a pig.

Oops...

A policeman pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway....

Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the lady who was driving was knitting.
Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, "Pull over!"
"No", the lady yelled back, "It's a scarf!"

A dream job?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked the would be Car Sales Executive, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The guy said, "In the region of £75,000 a year, depending on the package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 30 days paid holiday, every weekend off, full private medical and dental care, final salary pension scheme, and a new company car every 2 years - say, a BMW 6 series convertible?"
The interviewee sat up straight and said, "Amazing!!! Are you serious?"
And the HR Person said, "No, ...but you started it."

The local council could not afford a speed camera...

so they put up a sign saying: Slow Down Old People's Home. - It had no effect.
At the next meeting they decided to try a different tactic and put up a sign: Danger - Children at Play.
Still no joy.
So at the next meeting the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try putting under the village sign name: The only naturist village in the UK.
As a result white vans and lorries crawl through the village.

As a lorry driver stops at a red light...

a young man pulls up behind. He jumps out of his car, runs up to the lorry, and knocks on the door. The lorry driver lowers the window, and the young man says "Hi, so sorry to bother you old chap but you appear to be losing some of your load." The lorry driver ignores him and proceeds down the street. When the lorry stops for another red light, the man catches up again. He jumps out of his car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the lorry driver lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the man says brightly, "Hi, so sorry to bother you old chap but you appear to be losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the lorry driver ignores him again, raises the window and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the man gets out of his car, runs up, knocks on the lorry door. The lorry driver opens the window. Again he says "Hi, so sorry to bother you old chap but you appear to be losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the lorry driver revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the lorry, and runs back to the young man. He knocks on his window, and after he lowers it, he says in a broad scot's accent, "Hi, the name's Angus. It's winter in Aberdeen if you hanee noticed, and I'm drivin' the grittin' lorry."

Margaret, an elderly lady, stopped to drive into a parking space...

when a young man in his brand new car drove around her and parked in the space that she had been waiting for.
Margaret was so annoyed that she approached the young fellow and said, through gritted teeth, "I was about to park there."
The man looked at her with disdain and replied, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."
This annoyed Margaret even more, so she got back in her car, backed it up and then stamped on the accelerator and rammed straight into his car.
The young man ran back to his car and shouted in a stunned voice, "What did you do that for?"
Margaret smiled at him and said, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich."

A Los Angeles police officer stops a celebrity for speeding ...

and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Simple Rule for Dating my Daughter ...

1. If you pull up outside my house and toot you'd better be delivering a package, because you're definitely not picking anything up.

2. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the film, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Tower Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

3. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Films with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; films which feature chainsaws are okay. Motor racing is okay. Old peoples homes are better.

4. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about cars, formula one, the environment and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

5. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper moving into rv position over a village near Kabul. When my prozac starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

An old gent is wandering around a used car forecourt...

A salesman comes out and starts talking about the VW Golf the old gent has stopped by, but keeps getting distracted by a fly that is circling around his head. 
After a few minutes of swatting it away he blurts out "Aaggh, sorry, sir, that's so annoying. I can't work out what it is and why it likes me so much." The old gent replies, "that's a circle fly".
The salesman says he's never heard of a "circle fly".
The old gent replies that circle flies are usually found circling around a cow's rearend.
Shocked, the salesman says, "are you saying I'm a cow's arse?", to which the old gent replied, "no my good man, but you can't fool a circle fly.

A car dealer was involved in a dreadful car accident.

The entire side of his Porsche was ripped away, along with his arm. "My car, my car" he groaned.The policeman weighed up the extent of the injuries and said: "Sir, I think you ought to be more concerned about your arm than your car." The car dealer looked down in horror at where his arm used to be and screamed: "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

Two gorgeous models were in a car park...

trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top's down."

A very dignified gentleman walks into a leading city bank and enquires about taking out a loan for £2,000.

What security can you offer? the banker enquires. "Well I've parked my Rolls Royce Phantom in one of your parking bays, I'll be away for a few weeks here are the keys." Four weeks later the dignified gentleman returns and pays off the loan, £2024 including interest and collects his keys. "Pardon me" the banker says, "but why would a man of your obvious means bother with a loan of £2,000? "Very simple," he replied, "where else in the middle of the city could I get secured parking for £24!"

Supportive Wife

A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 60 in a 40 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 50."
Wife: "Oh, Bob. You were going 70." (The man glares at his wife.)
Officer: "You also have a broken brake light."
Man: "Broken brake light? I didn't know about a broken brake light!"
Wife: "Oh Bob, you've known about that bulb for weeks." (The man gives his wife another stern look.)
Officer: "Sir, I see you're also not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Bob, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "WILL YOU BE QUIET!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."

For all the caravan lovers - Caravan Club celebrates one millionth traffic jam!

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt...

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign!"
The woman continues, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely we should drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

Dreamer...

A man is snoring away in bed and in his dream he finds himself at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St Peter. "OK, you," he says, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St Peter you know."
In his dream he hears himself replying, "If I'm honest Pete, I was with two maybe three different ladies a year." St Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Golf Buggy over there, goodbye."
St Peter then turns to the man's brother and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
He replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice.
St Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that 4 year old Daewoo, goodbye."
St Peter then looks at the mans' best friend and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
He lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that in over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
He then finds himself and his brother in a carpark waiting for his best mate to arrive. His best mate pulls up in his Ferrari, and he is crying his heart out.
The guy asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these things and you got a new Ferrari!"
His best mate, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

Bumper Stickers

• If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
• (Stuck upside down)...If you can read this, please flip me back over.
• Feel safe tonight... Sleep with a police officer.
• Boldly going nowhere.
• Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

This only works in an American accent!....Yo mama...

• Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
• Yo mama so ugly she looked out the car window and got arrested for mooning.
• Yo mama so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
• Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
• Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence!
• Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.
• Yo mama so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
• Yo mama head so big it shows up on radar.
• Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
• Yo mama so poor she waves around an icepop and calls it air conditioning.
• Yo mama took 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldn't get used to bein' in the front seat!
• Yo mama's like a racecar, she burns fifty rubbers a day
• Yo mama so fat she showers at a car wash
• Yo mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car!